6. Meeting Me through a Partner

Finding healing through conflict, wholeness through struggle.

Blog Overview: Intimacy // Conflict and Healing // Psychedelic Infiltration

I’m 26 years old with hardly any relationship experience.

Plenty of flings and short-term explorations...

But in terms of conscious partnership where I consider someone my go-to, my safe place, my sanctuary, I’m a baby bird.

And yet I’m currently in partnership with a 40-year-old woman who is in mastery with conscious relating, healing traumas, divine union of the masculine and feminine within and in partnership, and healthy communication in conflict (to name but a few of her innumerable refined keys).

Give a listen to her podcast to learn about "sex relationships, masculine and feminine, understanding ourselves and each other more, and radical self responsibility."

To say a lot has surfaced in the beginning of this union is a ridiculous understatement.

Before I elucidate, meet Saora.

Her name means “the magic and the beauty between light and dark, earth and cosmos, masculine and feminine.” Her purpose: to bridge human consciousness on those axis points.

Saora and I met this summer in Laukala Valley (refer to Blog 2: Retreat with the Moon) in a most synchronistic way, bound by magic from the moment she stumbled into my camp, claiming it was the one she was looking for, the one her dreamscape told her to find. I was just finishing up edits on Chapter 6 (the Lover’s number *wink wink*) of my novel as she approached. She shared her name and its meaning, and I immediately knew it was the word for God that I would use in my fantasy-fiction novel. Little did I know I would also find God in her eyes the next day, journeying through the sacred Laukala Valley on a small dose of mushrooms, Santa Maria accompanying us on our adventure, our hearts swirling in rose hues, our bodies enmeshed by the riverbanks.

I leaned in for the first time in my life, trusting in the purity of our energetics, so beyond story of who or what we were to one another and simply surrendering to the bliss of our two souls reuniting in the physical (once again).

And the rest is history.

As much as I feel inclined to elucidate on our romantic beginnings and subsequent supercharged encounters, my intention with this blog is to explore the shadowy nature of my being that has arisen while in relation to Saora, wounds that I’ve hidden for so long, dodging intimacy just so I didn’t have acknowledge them.

My pain-body, my ego, is so convincing as it relates to intimacy. It twists situations into delusional stories, plotting me against the “other.” It says: “Don’t let anyone too close. It’s not safe to show them these layers. Just cut them out before they can see that you’re actually hurting…that you have darkness too.”

And for so long, I’ve done just that.

But these aspects of my shadow could not get past Saora. Oh no. She’s far too perceptive and energetically attuned, not to mention realized in her metamorphosis, having already come into right relation with those aspects of her distrustful feminine.

Certainly, in the community I’m regarded as a joyful and loving being, and yet with Saora, my most intimate connection, I’m challenged to see within me a Queen of Swords (reversed) energy of a cruel variety, a wound so embedded in my matriarchal lineage that has yet to unravel itself. This shadow slashes away with her sword as soon as a situation becomes too vulnerable, wielding her power unconsciously, feeding a system of delusion – fear, hatred, separation – because it feels “safer” there...it’s more familiar. It’s what I grew up with.

The first time this energy, this shadow, presented itself intensely was when I introduced Saora to my friends. I invited everyone to journey on MDMA at my sanctuary, planting the seed that our hearts would expand together (as has been my experience every time I’ve sat with this medicine) and for Saora to witness me and the people I call my ‘ohana.

There we were in prayer, seated together in a circle calling in loving energies for the ceremony.

Drops of noni in the eyes, nose, and mouth to cleanse.

A dose of MDMA each.

Then, soft music,

cushy rugs,

walks under the stars, our feet wettened by the damp grass,

kind of sweetness.

But something shifted and I became hyperactively chaotic in my Mind. Very quickly thereafter, I began looping with the energy, with disharmony that arose from a narrative of “wrongness,” and for some strange reason, I projected that fear onto Saora. From one moment to the next, a switch flipped within me. It felt like I was in total darkness in a room, my shadow looming about, haunting me. Saora was the candle, a flicker of hope, but my ego convinced me she was the cause of the darkness (because her light reflected my shadow’s presence).

In retrospect, it is clear that I was infiltrated, and by that, I mean I was indulging in and feeding the matrix of illusion. Saora’s perceptiveness, her ability to see through the illusion, compromised my delusions, my misguided stories. All my thoughts pitted me against Saora and I pointed my blaming finger at her, convinced that she was the problem, pushing her away even though she continued to stay open in her heart.

You know what they say: Point your finger and there will be three other fingers pointing right back at you.

But I couldn’t see that. I was drowning in the darkness, rejecting the one source of light.

My heart closed and my Mind wandered into a spiral of confusion. All my desires to connect intimately with Saora (who flew in just a day prior) were out the window and I became a very evil force.

Let me just share that infiltration on medicine is wildly uncomfortable. The forces of evil (my ego) pressed all these wicked buttons, inundating me with manipulative stories, ones in which I entertained and indulged. I was so attached to the stories in my Mind that I not once connected with my heart, to compassion.

Photo Credits: Aarón Blanco Tejedor

Now, why did I project this onto Saora?

For starters, she was an easy target, someone who loves me unconditionally: my first true-love. She represented a safe space for the healing to happen…but first, the conflict needed to take place.

The ego wanted me to continue to believe that intimacy was unsafe. It wanted to “protect” me, so I sabotaged our connection. Honestly, I treated Saora atrociously during the MDMA ceremony, consciously cutting all energetic cords between us, abruptly evicting her from my channel with literally zero justification nor any communication. I literally blew out a candle casted with a spell that meant to sever our bond during the journey.

The evil entity thoroughly convinced me she was a dark witch, a vampire leeching on me. So, I simply disconnected from my heart and turned into a cruel bitch, to put it very, very lightly. Essentially, I became what I feared most (“giving her a taste of her own medicine”) even though NOTHING WAS HAPPENING! I was so dense, so confused, so infiltrated, so in my own story.

That’s the thing about the ego…it does whatever it can to keep you in lower frequencies, like a back-stabbing “friend.” It wanted to protect my egoic identity structures, manipulating me like a puppet on strings (and I believed Saora was the puppeteer, rather than my own Mind). I acted in ways so contrary to my true essence that I was totally in freeze mode as the conflict arose, quarreling with what felt so horrendous in my system and yet projecting all my past hurts onto Saora, creating resistance and boundaries meant to protect the ego, which in reality denied a spaciousness for love.

Long story short, Saora spent the next several days gently bringing light to the situation. I was fervently in denial, but after about 3 days of processing, I finally humbled myself, gained clarity, and took responsibility for my destructive behavior. There were still bouts of confusion because I had to destroy my Mind’s convictions that made correlations to fault (my Piscean dreamy nature in its more wounded form), but eventually I could see clearly. At this point, I had a laser beam of light in the dark room with my shadow, a meager tool, but a tool nonetheless.

Not long after this, the pattern reemerged. Through Saora’s patience and guidance, I understood the nature of this shadow, the root of its emergence, and how to spot it. By now, I’m working with a reliable flashlight in the dark room. The shadow is elusive, but I’m able to spot it faster than I could with a laser beam.

…And again, the pattern surfaced. After more refinement, I leveled up from a flashlight to a heavy-duty spotlight.

…And again, it surfaced, and in the dark room, I quickly spotted my shadow using an industrial sized spotlight.

The ego latched to whatever it could to prop up my convictions that it was unsafe to be in relation with Saora, and each time I fell for it. She was too close to me, too intimidating because she threatened my egoic identities.

Where did that leave me?

With a very easy decision…

Either I level up and get curious about this shadow OR I continue to be a puppet on strings.

One thing I know about myself, once I have the tools and awareness, I choose to use them rather than dwell in the loops, the patterns, the stories that I tell myself as the end-all-be-all.

Saora modeled to me another way. She held space for me to alchemize this darkness into light, and I took the opportunity knowing there was a more loving way to exist with this shadow. Rather than stay in the dark room with this shadow, I’ve been getting to know this shadow more. The dark room isn’t as scary because at least now I’ve got a bright light, a tool, awareness.

One day I’ll be able to flip a switch and the entire room with flood with light. The shadow will still be there, but she won’t be as scary, nor will she be able to manipulate me.

By the grace of Spirit, this phenomenal woman stood by my side, even when my actions triggered her own traumas. Forgiveness came with many tears.

I am more myself than ever before.

Because of Saora, I’m learning to make friends with conflict. Growing up, my perception of intimacy showed me that intimacy was unsafe because it naturally brought up conflict, which was handled with aggression and violence. But now, I know that conflict and struggle is the path to healing and wholeness.

This past moon cycle and eclipse season brought up immense shifts. As this is a New Moon post, I want to remind myself and all my readers that permanence is a fleeting thought. Change is inevitable and it’s usually for the better.

There is a sense of completion. Yes, more refinement is being asked, but for now, I celebrate the fact that Saora and I are more in love than ever before. We are closer and more ourselves because the shadows aren’t rejected or abandoned, just given time and space to realize that they are not our true selves.

May this lesson remind me to be more compassionate for those in the dark, especially those who have yet realized there are tools to bring light to the shadows.

We are all walking each "other" home.

Peace be with us,

Riddlez

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